


The Morning News

by Kantayra of Yore (Kantayra)



Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2002-07-11
Updated: 2002-07-11
Packaged: 2017-10-19 07:16:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,051
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/198316
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kantayra/pseuds/Kantayra%20of%20Yore
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Buffy explains to Joyce why it's vital that a Slayer read the morning newspaper. A humorous little ficlet.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Morning News

“So,” Joyce said, taking a sip of her coffee, “what do you plan to do today?”

“Absolutely nothing,” Buffy smiled, putting two waffles in the toaster. “Oh! Ask me what I plan on doing tomorrow!”

“Absolutely nothing?” Joyce guessed.

Buffy cast her a stern glare. “Are you sure you’re not some telepathic demon that’s taken over my mom’s body?” she joked.

“Believe it or not,” Joyce countered, “I _do_ remember what it was like to have summer vacation.”

“Yeah, that’s Xander’s current beef,” Buffy said. “He doesn’t want the school, but he wants to keep the breaks."”

“See?” Joyce said. “College was a good idea after all. At least you still get the summers off.”

Buffy rolled her eyes and got the mail. “Watch me exalt the virtues of higher education,” she said sarcastically. She dropped the pile of mail on the kitchen table and extracted the ‘Sunnydale News’.

“Joke all you like,” Joyce said, “but look at that. You subscribe to the local paper and read it every morning. That’s not the sort of thing you would do if you were just the Slayer.”

Buffy cringed slightly. “Hate to break it to you, Mom, but this is a Slayer thing.”

“What? Reading the paper?” Joyce said incredulously.

“Yup,” Buffy opened it up just as the toaster went off. She dropped the two waffles on her plate. “Best way to keep up on the local demon activity.”

“You’re kidding me,” Joyce looked at her suspiciously. “I’ve read the paper. There’s not a word about demons in it.”

Buffy shook her head. “No, of course not,” she explained, “you have to read between the lines.”

“You’re teasing me,” Joyce accused in a good-natured manner.

“I’m not!” Buffy insisted. “It’s all about demons if you read it right.”

Joyce gave her a disbelieving look and pulled the paper over to her. “ ‘Break In On Fifth Street’,” she quoted a headline.

“Which store?” Buffy took a bite out of her waffles.

“That little corner grocery store,” Joyce replied.

“Mm!” Buffy nodded. “Wasn’t a break in. It was a break _out_. Shopkeeper breeds chimeras.”

“OK,” her mother decided to find a way to trick her. “ ‘High Energy Consumption Blamed on Local Black-Out’.”

“The CEOs are demons,” Buffy responded. “At least, according to Anya…”

“Sounds fishy,” Joyce smiled slightly.

“Go again,” Buffy insisted.

“All right, ‘last Tuesday a sewer main fractured, leading to a foul odor throughout the business district’…”

Buffy groaned. “Oh no, not again!” she lamented.

Joyce looked at her askance.

“Bevak Demon mating season,” Buffy explained. “It’s their pheromones that cause the smell. It happens every year. That means Giles’ll send me down to kill the larvae soon. Ugh!”

“How do you do that?” Joyce dreaded to ask.

“Step on them,” Buffy shuttered. “They’re about a foot long, and they squirt yellow guts on you when you kill them.”

“Ew!” Joyce exclaimed.

“You said it,” Buffy agreed. “Go on.”

“OK…” Joyce flipped the page. “ ‘Authorities were called in to break up a domestic dispute Thursday evening at 415 Elm’…”

“Oh god, I was there for _that_ one,” Buffy rolled her eyes. “Get this,” she leaned in conspiratorially. “The guy’s actually an incubus, and he’s only posing as a human so he can dupe a human woman into marrying him ‘cause that’s the way they reproduce. The only problem is his wife’s actually a _succubus_ who’s married him for the exact same reason. So, they _both_ found out on the same night, and bam! Boy, were _they_ pissed!”

“What bad luck,” Joyce shook her head. “OK, ‘fire fighters put out a small blaze in the woods when’…”

“I did it,” Buffy interrupted.

“What?”

“I did it. Vamp nest. Fire. Poof! No more vamps,” Buffy’s hands made cute little ‘poofing’ gestures as she said it.

“Should I be concerned about your leanings towards pyromania?” Joyce teased.

“One of the great dangers of being a Slayer,” Buffy laughed. “Go on, hit me again.”

“OK…” Joyce turned the next page. “ ‘This Saturday morning authorities discovered that vandals had once again knocked down the Sunnydale town sign’…”

“Spike was drunk Friday evening,” Buffy waved a hand in the air dismissively. “Too easy.”

“ ‘The sign has been damaged 42 times in the last year alone’…” Joyce continued.

“Spike has a drinking _problem_ ,” Buffy quickly amended.

“Humph,” Joyce said, disappointed she hadn’t just proved her daughter wrong. “ ‘Bar fight’…no wait, that was at Willy’s…”

“See? Now you’re getting into it,” Buffy said.

“OK,” Joyce got a little gleeful look on her face, “I’ve got you for sure this time.”

“Let’s hear it,” Buffy accepted the challenge.

“ ‘In Little League baseball this week, the Wildcats beat the Pirates 3-0’. Ha!” Joyce exclaimed.

“The next time I’m looking for a witch, I should check the parents of the kids on the Wildcats first,” Buffy teased.

“OK, now I _know_ you’re joking,” Joyce looked her right in the eyes, trying to find some evidence of her suspicions.

“Maybe…” Buffy gave her an enigmatic smile.

“And if this is a Slayer thing, why haven’t you been doing it all along?” Joyce asked.

Buffy rolled her eyes. “Giles used to do it, but he finally decided that he couldn’t stand to see the English language mangled any further and made _me_ do it instead…”

“Hmm…” Joyce said. “OK, now I’ve got you for sure!”

“You’re on,” Buffy smiled.

“ ‘A new exhibit at the Sunnydale Art Gallery opens this week. Gallery owner, Joyce Summers, said that the theme this season would be Classical artwork’…”

“Well, that Joyce Summers,” Buffy shook her head. “She’s one suspicious character.”

“Oh really?”

“Yup,” Buffy nodded. “I’ve heard all sorts of rumors. They say that she keeps her daughter locked up in her house and won’t even let her go out to visit her boyfriend in Iowa.”

“Wow, she must be a real witch,” Joyce laughed slightly.

“Please, mom?” Buffy begged.

“No,” Joyce said. “You’re not flying halfway around the country, and that’s final.”

“Fine,” Buffy sulked.

“Now,” Joyce put her dishes in the sink and grabbed her purse, “I’ve got to finish setting up the new exhibit.”

“Bye, Mom!” Buffy said, her mood suddenly bright again.

“And I’m going to ask Mr. Giles if you’re just teasing me,” she gave Buffy a wink and closed the door behind her.


End file.
